This is not a happiest blog I will ever right, but this it is reality. This is what happened to me and happens to so many women in the world. My heart is beating fast and I have tear in my eyes. Even though, this happened to me 7 years ago.
Sexual assault is a sexual act in which person is forced to engage against their will. It comes in various forms according to The Crown Prosecution Service:
- Rape according to World Health Organisation is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration without the persons consent.
- Forced kissing
- Child sexual abuse
- Sexual torture
According to Rape Crisis organisation approximately 85,000 women and 12,000 men are raped in England and Wales alone every year; that’s roughly 11 rapes (of adults alone) every hour and only around 15% get reported to the police. According to Kelly, Lovett and Regan (2005) only 5.7% of reported rape cases end with conviction of perpetrator.
And this is my story:
I was visiting my friend in Wales back in 2009-2010, I was 17 pretty sure I wasn’t 18 yet because I was scared going out since I didn’t have an I.D. I want you to understand I did a lot of stupid shit that night to put myself in dangerous situations but no one deserves this to happen to them.
So I and my friend went out to this local pub for a few drinks. There was this good looking bouncer there we got talking. I had a few drinks and was quite tipsy and trusting young girl. I and my friend were having a great night; we were dancing and having so much fun. We were there until the pub closed and we gone to another pub for few more drinks, where the bouncer of the other pub came down. We were drinking, dancing and he offered to go back to his.
I did it, I found him attractive and I wanted to be with him, I found his company interesting. We had to drive to another village but he promised to my friend he will take me back. I felt safe. After all he worked as a bouncer, someone who is there to ensure someone’s safety.
We got to his house and we got intimate, we were making out and having. However, shortly I felt too drunk to do anything and TOLD HIM that NOTHING will be happening between us. I was asleep in no time.
There is no weirder experience then some random stranger fucking you in your sleep. It makes me think what happened while I was sleeping? Was he kissing me? Touching me? Or did he just climbed on me and did it? I know one thing he did not even bother talking my underwear off, it was still down to my ankles.
Next thing, when I was enough awake to realise what was happening to me, I tried and I say I tried, because it wasn’t easy to push a massive human off me. This should not be that difficult. Dude, you should have been there in the first place. I said NO!
Because I was confused to what just happened, I did not want to think that it was what it was, because of the slut shaming culture in society I blamed myself for this. After all I was drunk, I went back to his and said no. I thought I was responsible for what happened, what I expected for going to strangers house. Who guys to guys house just for cuddles? Am I stupid or something? How could it be rape if I went to his house willingly?
So, next morning he took me to the bus station, I never saw him again. I don’t remember his name. I do not remember how he looks like, probably for the best.
I remember never telling anyone about this, because I was so confused was it rape or was it not. I kind of understood that it was but I still blamed myself for everything that happened. This happened in the winter time and I have not told anyone about it. I hid it deep deep in my head, to forget. I was so ashamed, so broken hearted I did not want to think and did not want to live through this again.
First time I mentioned it to someone was to my best friend L. I remember crying and being confused but it was amazing to get it out of my system, but once again after that I did not want to deal with what happened so I just hid it. Somewhere, in my head, deep deep under the surface so far away where it was hard to find it.
You know the first time I realised what really happened to me? It was a year ago! 6 years ago after the fact. After seeing a video where sexual consent described as something as simple as drinking tea and consent is very simple, simple as drinking tea. If you have not seen the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8
After watching this video I realised it was not my fault! Yes, I put myself in dangerous situation, yes I was vulnerable. BUT I said NO and NO means NO! We slut shame girls, we blame them for putting themselves in dangerous situations and they deserve what they got. If you think like that! Shut up! You stupid! No one deserves to be raped you arsehole!
You know what we should be teaching? We should explain to people what consent is! We shouldn’t tell girls to dress less slutty and stop flirting. Instead, we should be teaching to keep it in their pants. We should stop saying that men have animalistic urges. Fuck you, we evolved enough not to act like cunts. NO IS NO it’s fucking simple like that.
I am six years behind and only now starting to understand what happened to me. Yesterday, when I started writing this blog I had to stop because I haven’t thought about all of what happened for so long. So many memories where compressed and when I started thinking about it all it started to surface. I felt sad and confused, was it self petty? Or just sadness of what happened?
I know that learning and understanding what happened to me will be a process. I know now that it’s not my fault. I know that human is an arsehole. No one deserves to be raped, sexually assaulted, groped etc. Sadly, it is more common than we think.
I want you to know this is my story and mine alone. Every persons experience is different and that’s ok and if you know that this ever happened to someone. Don’t judge them, don’t blame them. At the end of the day, no one deserves this.
Love and respect each other!
Love and peace!
Kelly, Lovett and Regan, A gap or a chasm? Attrition in reported rape cases, 2005