Dear Man That Got Away,

Dear Man That Got Away,

Today I looked back and looked at the pictures of you. The first time honestly felt nothing. No anger, no love and no sense of betrayal. You know why? Because I really don’t feel that any of whatever I thought we had, Dear Charles (Fuck it I gonna use your name), was real.

I was your toy (I have that song in my head now :D), a toy that you used to play your kinky games with. Its fine.. Although next time, maybe tell the other person what you are doing. Its kind of shitty…

Although, I do understand that, dear boy, you are psychopath and that’s ok. You were not ok. Well, you are still not ok. But thank you! Thank you, dear boy, for teaching me so much, for letting me discover myself. Coz, even though you broke me, dear boy, I learned so much about myself and about you.

I am letting you go now, but I know I will always look back at the windows of what used to be your house or still is your house, but I no longer look through in the crowd of people and hope to see you.

I don’t want to see you anymore, dear boy, good bye and farewell. It was a good journey <3. I shall look for someone else to fixate on!

 

To my inspiration…

Have you ever been in love? Do you remember you first love? First boyfriend? First break up? Have you ever had a crush? Did you ever have feelings for someone but they didn’t respond to them in the same way?

I’ve spent most of my teen years like that. ‘’Loving’’ bad boys without them responding to my feelings. Feeling like this most of my teenage years was part of my ‘’suffering artistic teenager’’ vibe. That lasted until I was about 20.

Interestingly, every ‘’love’’ I had for the people that never responded back to my feelings where to ‘’the bad boys’’ that did not deserve me. Which, now when I look back, I feel thankful to God, universe or those people for not loving me and saving me from making my biggest mistakes in my life….

But first time in my life I met this beautiful human being. That I used to think I just wanted to fuck, but when I got to know him little bit better I realised would like to get to know him better inside and out. I can’t stop thinking about him, I have dreams with him in it and when I wake up I get sad, because I know that wasn’t real…

You know when I know I like a boy? When I am drunk and manage not to drunk dial him, because I care what he is going think about me.

The thing is, even if he liked me back, from what I know about him we would not work. Our view on relationships is so different we would not be able to compromise. Him not having feelings for me I know is universe, God or whatever way to save me from being hurt.

BUT for the first time in my life in my life I wanna be with the wrong person. I wanna touch his hair, I wanna hear his voice, I wanna drink rum, whiskey, wine or neat vodka with him and talk about life, art, sex, and social issues, I want his body against mine, I want to be pushed against the wall, I wanna see him happy, angry, sleepy, I want to wake up next to him.

And I want when our needs and wants separate and we can’t no longer work I want to be broken hearted, I want my heart to bleed, I want to argue and cry together. I want for us to have angry sex. And break up sex and make up sex. I FUCKING WANT YOU IN MY LIFE.

UPDATE:

I wrote this a month ago. A lot has changed, I still like this human being but as it was clear he is not that into me. I have been friendzoned and its cool! Because, I still get most of the best parts of the relationship endless cuddles, kisses and I love you’s.

On the other hand, he is one of those people that it’s not going to sugar coat and it will make you feel uncomfortable. He has a lot traits that I think would drive me mad… BUT at the same time, sometimes when we talk I look at him doing something and I see him and it makes my heart skip a beat because he is amazing.

On other hand, when you take that all away. He is a bit of a dick and I can see why universe is saving me and I can see why I am attracted to him! 🙂

At the end of the day, I am glad I got you in my life Teddy Brat! Thank you for being my inspiration! You are wonderful! (When you are not an arsehole <3.)

Peace and Love!