Dear Man That Got Away,

Dear Man That Got Away,

Dear Man That Got Away,

Today I looked back and looked at the pictures of you. The first time honestly felt nothing. No anger, no love and no sense of betrayal. You know why? Because I really don’t feel that any of whatever I thought we had, Dear Charles (Fuck it I gonna use your name), was real.

I was your toy (I have that song in my head now :D), a toy that you used to play your kinky games with. Its fine.. Although next time, maybe tell the other person what you are doing. Its kind of shitty…

Although, I do understand that, dear boy, you are psychopath and that’s ok. You were not ok. Well, you are still not ok. But thank you! Thank you, dear boy, for teaching me so much, for letting me discover myself. Coz, even though you broke me, dear boy, I learned so much about myself and about you.

I am letting you go now, but I know I will always look back at the windows of what used to be your house or still is your house, but I no longer look through in the crowd of people and hope to see you.

I don’t want to see you anymore, dear boy, good bye and farewell. It was a good journey <3. I shall look for someone else to fixate on!

 

Advertisements
Emotional FuckBoys

Emotional FuckBoys

I and my friend K where talking about men, who are present in our lives but it, feels that they are there just to mess with our heads. I and K seem to have at least one of those people in our lives. We spent about half hour discussing it before I had to leave to get my hair done. On my way to the bus stop I thought of a phrase: emotional fuckboys.

Google search for emotional fuckboys did not show any definitions, but according to Urban Dictionary there are several definitions of fuckboys. Let’s begin:

  1. Fuck boy- A person who is a weak ass pussy
    that ain’t bout shit.
  2. fuckboys come in all shapes and sizes and results may vary but when he a fuckboy…he a fuckboy…and u will know
  3. A manipulating dick who does whatever it takes to benefit him, regardless of who he screws over. They will screw over anyone and everyone as long they get what they want.
  4. A Fuckboy is the type of guy who does shit that generally pisses the population of the earth off all the time. He will also lead girls on just for hookups, says hes really into you but doesn’t want to deal with all the “relationship bullshit” just to fuck you. He thinks about himself and only himself all the time but pretends to be really nice. He also does really fucked up shit and then complains about people who do the same old shit as him. once a fuckboy always a fuckboy, because fuck boys ganna be fuckboys.

There are even more available definitions on the website of the term fuck boy. So, if you fancy checking it out further please visit: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fuck%20boy

So, to conclude we could say that ‘emotional fuckboy’ is an individual who generally seems nice, they are friendly and able to talk nice but they will screw anyone and everyone over just to get what they want and more than likely they just think about themselves. Different to fuckboys you probably never had sex with them or had it once or twice but they still show up in your life to mess with your head further.

I got two of those in my life!

Emotional fuckboy no1 A.K.A Fishmonger- I have met him nearly two years ago and always had a strange attraction towards him. He wasn’t good lucking but was good with people and able to charm everyone including me. Also, since I am a massive accent whore it helped because he had a welsh accent.

I didn’t make a move on him because at the time I had a boyfriend, I used to see him around because our city is not the biggest and we used to end up drinking in the same places. Also, later he opened his own restaurant on one of the busiest streets in our town.

By the time he opened his restaurant me and my bf where done, so I could enjoy presence of other men and also was able to hit on Fuckboy no1. I kind of did and we agreed to go for a drink, that weekend he was away in wales and we meant to meet up following week.

That never happened because I got a bit drunk, little bit intense and it became awkward.  I still saw him around a lot and got mocked for my behaviour. I became regular drunk dialer. I am not proud of it but didn’t care much about it anyway because I knew he could not think worse of me.

Anyway, few months ago I found out all the truth about this man who even though I drunk dialled but I actually thought very highly about, as a business owner I thought he was doing great and his ideas where amazing. Food I thought was awesome… but sadly he wasn’t that at all. It really crushed me and I was super emotional about it. It broke my heart, someone who I also admired was a complete scam.

After everything that happened, I promised myself never to sleep with or not to drunk dial him. This was quite easy at that time because I made a bet not to drink for two weeks.

At the same time while I wasn’t drinking his business was slowly dying and at 1.30 am on the Saturday morning I received a message on fb from him asking if I was ok because he hasn’t received early hour phone calls.

I responded telling about me not drinking and asking wtf does he want from me. He explained that he did not want anything and he was just curious about how I was etc. eventually, he started talking about sex and that we could have a kinky night in. It followed by him telling me he enjoyed other people being involved and ropes.

The conversation ended, but the messing with my head just started. So, on the Sunday I got drunk because our drinking ban was lifted. I managed to drunk dial him few times. However, he was constantly at the back of my mind everything that happened with truth coming out about him, it mixed with my daddy issues and trying to fix him. So, by Tuesday it got so much that I saw my friend K and I was like Guuuurl we need to get drunk and oh boy I did!

Conclusion:

13 missed calls, 1 message: WHY DON’T YOU JUST LOVE ME!

I don’t remember this, but I did it. I can’t blame him, I clearly have no impulse control, and I have more issues than vogue. BUT at the same time if your life is going is going sideways and shit is about to hit the fan, dude, do not try to gain control by using a venerable young women who you know has issues to practice control…

Yes, it had your desired effect on me and you used me. Congratulations! At the same time, my life can only get better and I will learn from my mistakes and you forever will be scamming arsehole!

Emotional Fuck boy 2.0

He is someone I met through Fuck boy 1.0, which I can only assume they come in packs. We met at the restaurant during a bonfire night and I asked for his number because he seemed as an interesting human being.

I got his number he tried to kiss and then added me on fb. Messaged me some weird stuff few times and I decided to unfriend him on facebook. I even forgot about him.

Several months after I received facebook message asking how I was and I decided to ignore it. Later I saw him on tinder and decided to give it a go. So, we matched, we talked and he was an interesting human being, therefore we went for a drink. We also managed to have sex. I found out that he disappeared from my life because he was seeing someone at the time but now it was over.

At that point I really liked him and I saw and felt that because he was older, mature, had kids and a dog that this could lead to something. We carried on talking after we had sex he was busy all weekend and I was out and about that weekend. What happened was we run in the same restaurant on the Sunday where I was very hangover, slightly drunk. He was polite to me there but later I told him I had taken drugs so that kind of change the situation.

Every time I agreed to make plans with him he would cancel. It’s either work or he had a drink or he could not pick me up etc. I am simple girl so I got a taxi.

When I got there he was drinking red wine before then he had cider and he became emotionally abusive to me saying that I am messing with his life, that his boys should not see this, that if his wife who he is divorcing would know about us would not let see the boys.

I understand that, that weekend was messy I was drunk for two days, I took drugs, but it doesn’t define me as a human being and who the fuck are you to judge me like that when you have made fair share of mistakes in your life.

After that, he started ignoring my messages, my phone calls, my facebook messages. I was slightly sad, because even though we did not work out I still saw him as this amazing human being, he was intresting and funny. I wanted to stay friends.

Few months have passed and what happens I receive a facebook message from him telling me that he misses my drunken nonsense.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

We start talking again and I am always willing to give people a second chance but he comes back every time into my life when he has issues and want to make he feel better about himself. This behaviour has to stop. Yes, I care about people but I also have feelings you can’t come back to my life when it’s comfortable and mess with my head.

Conclusion:

These emotional fuckboys are probably in your everyday life. People you want to be with or were with, someone you care about but they seem to want you or need you when it is comfortable for them.

You need to realise it and if it is unhealthy to you RUN the fuck away from them. Block them, cut them out and put yourself around amazing people that care about you.

To my inspiration…

To my inspiration…

Have you ever been in love? Do you remember you first love? First boyfriend? First break up? Have you ever had a crush? Did you ever have feelings for someone but they didn’t respond to them in the same way?

I’ve spent most of my teen years like that. ‘’Loving’’ bad boys without them responding to my feelings. Feeling like this most of my teenage years was part of my ‘’suffering artistic teenager’’ vibe. That lasted until I was about 20.

Interestingly, every ‘’love’’ I had for the people that never responded back to my feelings where to ‘’the bad boys’’ that did not deserve me. Which, now when I look back, I feel thankful to God, universe or those people for not loving me and saving me from making my biggest mistakes in my life….

But first time in my life I met this beautiful human being. That I used to think I just wanted to fuck, but when I got to know him little bit better I realised would like to get to know him better inside and out. I can’t stop thinking about him, I have dreams with him in it and when I wake up I get sad, because I know that wasn’t real…

You know when I know I like a boy? When I am drunk and manage not to drunk dial him, because I care what he is going think about me.

The thing is, even if he liked me back, from what I know about him we would not work. Our view on relationships is so different we would not be able to compromise. Him not having feelings for me I know is universe, God or whatever way to save me from being hurt.

BUT for the first time in my life in my life I wanna be with the wrong person. I wanna touch his hair, I wanna hear his voice, I wanna drink rum, whiskey, wine or neat vodka with him and talk about life, art, sex, and social issues, I want his body against mine, I want to be pushed against the wall, I wanna see him happy, angry, sleepy, I want to wake up next to him.

And I want when our needs and wants separate and we can’t no longer work I want to be broken hearted, I want my heart to bleed, I want to argue and cry together. I want for us to have angry sex. And break up sex and make up sex. I FUCKING WANT YOU IN MY LIFE.

UPDATE:

I wrote this a month ago. A lot has changed, I still like this human being but as it was clear he is not that into me. I have been friendzoned and its cool! Because, I still get most of the best parts of the relationship endless cuddles, kisses and I love you’s.

On the other hand, he is one of those people that it’s not going to sugar coat and it will make you feel uncomfortable. He has a lot traits that I think would drive me mad… BUT at the same time, sometimes when we talk I look at him doing something and I see him and it makes my heart skip a beat because he is amazing.

On other hand, when you take that all away. He is a bit of a dick and I can see why universe is saving me and I can see why I am attracted to him! 🙂

At the end of the day, I am glad I got you in my life Teddy Brat! Thank you for being my inspiration! You are wonderful! (When you are not an arsehole <3.)

Peace and Love!