To my inspiration…

To my inspiration…

Have you ever been in love? Do you remember you first love? First boyfriend? First break up? Have you ever had a crush? Did you ever have feelings for someone but they didn’t respond to them in the same way?

I’ve spent most of my teen years like that. ‘’Loving’’ bad boys without them responding to my feelings. Feeling like this most of my teenage years was part of my ‘’suffering artistic teenager’’ vibe. That lasted until I was about 20.

Interestingly, every ‘’love’’ I had for the people that never responded back to my feelings where to ‘’the bad boys’’ that did not deserve me. Which, now when I look back, I feel thankful to God, universe or those people for not loving me and saving me from making my biggest mistakes in my life….

But first time in my life I met this beautiful human being. That I used to think I just wanted to fuck, but when I got to know him little bit better I realised would like to get to know him better inside and out. I can’t stop thinking about him, I have dreams with him in it and when I wake up I get sad, because I know that wasn’t real…

You know when I know I like a boy? When I am drunk and manage not to drunk dial him, because I care what he is going think about me.

The thing is, even if he liked me back, from what I know about him we would not work. Our view on relationships is so different we would not be able to compromise. Him not having feelings for me I know is universe, God or whatever way to save me from being hurt.

BUT for the first time in my life in my life I wanna be with the wrong person. I wanna touch his hair, I wanna hear his voice, I wanna drink rum, whiskey, wine or neat vodka with him and talk about life, art, sex, and social issues, I want his body against mine, I want to be pushed against the wall, I wanna see him happy, angry, sleepy, I want to wake up next to him.

And I want when our needs and wants separate and we can’t no longer work I want to be broken hearted, I want my heart to bleed, I want to argue and cry together. I want for us to have angry sex. And break up sex and make up sex. I FUCKING WANT YOU IN MY LIFE.

UPDATE:

I wrote this a month ago. A lot has changed, I still like this human being but as it was clear he is not that into me. I have been friendzoned and its cool! Because, I still get most of the best parts of the relationship endless cuddles, kisses and I love you’s.

On the other hand, he is one of those people that it’s not going to sugar coat and it will make you feel uncomfortable. He has a lot traits that I think would drive me mad… BUT at the same time, sometimes when we talk I look at him doing something and I see him and it makes my heart skip a beat because he is amazing.

On other hand, when you take that all away. He is a bit of a dick and I can see why universe is saving me and I can see why I am attracted to him! 🙂

At the end of the day, I am glad I got you in my life Teddy Brat! Thank you for being my inspiration! You are wonderful! (When you are not an arsehole <3.)

Peace and Love!

The New Direction

The New Direction

I left this blog alone for far too long, I got caught up in million other things. It felt like another project I have started but never let it move forward and get distracted by other things. It sounds like me, but it’s a bad habit I am trying to run away from.

Last week I posted a blog about what it is like to be twenty something year old bisexual on Tinder, which is something I wanted to talk about for a while and it felt really good to get it out of my system. Also, it was an important mile stone; it was first time I talked about being a bisexual openly where I knew that my family could see it.

On the other hand this post is not about that.

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This blog post is about the new direction I want this blog to take… Recently, my life got filled with bunch of amazing people that have touched my heart, and made me feel feelings that I have not felt for very long time and I want to embrace it.

This blog will no longer be about how I am trying to fall out of love with the Man Who Got Away (MWGA). I think I have successfully managed that.

MWGA is still a big part of my life; I don’t think I will ever stop caring about him. I will probably always have that ‘what if’ feeling somewhere deep inside. At the same time I don’t want this to change, because the person I am today is because I have met him and he brought so many amazing things and experiences into my life.

A few months ago, I was at his house doing something and he walked past me and hugged me or touched me and I just said to him: ‘’you still make my vagina tingle’’ in most normal everyday voice. I know that he and i  will always have a strange connection. Maybe the reasons for both of us are different but it doesn’t change the fact.

He is a big part of my life, big part of forming my views on sex, sexuality and gender norms. I will never be the same as I was a year and a half ago when I met him. I also know that he and I will never agree on politics. I know that I can be a massive dick to him, but I know that we always seem to overcome this and stay friends.I am forever grateful for that to him.

Furthermore, I am happy that when I was able to stop look at him as a sexual human being I am finally able to get to know him as a person, even though I know we are so different and never agree on anything. I would like him to know that it’s amazing to get to know him as a human being and it’s amazing to care about him passed the sexual tension..

The new direction

This blog will now be about me and my journey. I will document the journey of self-discovery via learning about me, sexuality, people, politics, art and other things that always been close to my heart.

It will no longer be about me trying to please other people or trying to live other people lives. It will be about me and what I actually like and what I actually enjoy.

Also, at the beginning someone used to proof read my blogs, but I think it’s not fair for me to keep asking people to do this for me and that why I struggled to post regularly. So, I will be doing this all by myself. Which, I imagine will make a lot of mistakes.  If you see them and they bother you please let me know! It’s the only way I can learn, so any comments and feedback will be appreciated.

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