Dear Man That Got Away,

Dear Man That Got Away,

Dear Man That Got Away,

Today I looked back and looked at the pictures of you. The first time honestly felt nothing. No anger, no love and no sense of betrayal. You know why? Because I really don’t feel that any of whatever I thought we had, Dear Charles (Fuck it I gonna use your name), was real.

I was your toy (I have that song in my head now :D), a toy that you used to play your kinky games with. Its fine.. Although next time, maybe tell the other person what you are doing. Its kind of shitty…

Although, I do understand that, dear boy, you are psychopath and that’s ok. You were not ok. Well, you are still not ok. But thank you! Thank you, dear boy, for teaching me so much, for letting me discover myself. Coz, even though you broke me, dear boy, I learned so much about myself and about you.

I am letting you go now, but I know I will always look back at the windows of what used to be your house or still is your house, but I no longer look through in the crowd of people and hope to see you.

I don’t want to see you anymore, dear boy, good bye and farewell. It was a good journey <3. I shall look for someone else to fixate on!

 

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The Man That Got Away… Now really got away

The Man That Got Away… Now really got away

You remember The Man That Got Away? He was the reason I have started this whole blog. Now he really got away…

During the summer his girlfriend who works as a teacher came down here, so me and TMTGA didn’t see each other. Even though I did not have feelings for him, but making her real would make me uncomfortable. First, it would make her real and second I would realise that everything we have done was kind of borderline cheating and he knew about me not wanting to meet her.

During the summer, I saw him at the bar with his girl and some other dude. I could not go and say hello because it made uncomfortable. So, I waited till he was in the bar without her and went to say hello. Who would have thought that would be the last time I would see him.

Eventually, my messages where read but not responded to and eventually I was blocked. My number, my whatsapp I assume my email as well. The embarrassing part how long it took me to realise that he blocked me… the fact that I was worried about him, that his phone was off.

Right now I feel calm, but recently I wasn’t. so, I wrote this and it pretty much explains it all:

 

You broke my heart, you broke me. Today is the Halloween weekend… and I can’t stop thinking about you . You know why? Because I know where you are… Torture Gardens… Torture Gardens in London…

It’s weird. you broke me. You broke me twice! First time, it was kind of my fault with your help. You broke my heart, you could not give me what I wanted. So, I fell out of love with you…

But now you broke me… you broke me… The Man That Got Away, you little fucker, you broke me, you betrayed me…

You blocked me out of your life… without even having the balls to tell me. Just blocked my phone number.

I looked through our conversations and you once promised that you will never replace me… what have you done???

Maybe you didn’t replace me but sure did cut me out of your life and cut a hole in my heart.

I miss so much at the same time I wanna punch you in a face.

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

So, this happened few weeks ago, when I was very emotional. There are still things in my life when I feel, or think of something I wanna share, but I can’t. eventually, I gonna be fine. I will move on new people will come into my life. But… right now it hurts.

P.s. just to entertain everyone. I did google: how to ring someone who blocked me. Google suggested to consider before contacting this person because there might be a reason they have blocked you.

I did consider, then hid my number. and rang him.  First time, I dropped it before he answered and second time I waited till he answered… AND HANG UP.

If you want to send me a stalker award plaque let me know! 😉

My rape story

My rape story

This is not a happiest blog I will ever right, but this it is reality. This is what happened to me and happens to so many women in the world. My heart is beating fast and I have tear in my eyes. Even though, this happened to me 7 years ago.

Sexual assault is a sexual act in which person is forced to engage against their will. It comes in various forms according to The Crown Prosecution Service:

  1. Rape according to World Health Organisation is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration without the persons consent.
  2. Groping
  3. Forced kissing
  4. Child sexual abuse
  5. Sexual torture

According to Rape Crisis organisation  approximately 85,000 women and 12,000 men are raped in England and Wales alone every year; that’s roughly 11 rapes (of adults alone) every hour and only around 15% get reported to the police. According to Kelly, Lovett and Regan (2005) only 5.7% of reported rape cases end with conviction of perpetrator.

And this is my story:

I was visiting my friend in Wales back in 2009-2010, I was 17 pretty sure I wasn’t 18 yet because I was scared going out since I didn’t have an I.D. I want you to understand I did a lot of stupid shit that night to put myself in dangerous situations but no one deserves this to happen to them.

So I and my friend went out to this local pub for a few drinks. There was this good looking bouncer there we got talking. I had a few drinks and was quite tipsy and trusting young girl. I and my friend were having a great night; we were dancing and having so much fun. We were there until the pub closed and we gone to another pub for few more drinks, where the bouncer of the other pub came down. We were drinking, dancing and he offered to go back to his.

I did it, I found him attractive and I wanted to be with him, I found his company interesting. We had to drive to another village but he promised to my friend he will take me back. I felt safe. After all he worked as a bouncer, someone who is there to ensure someone’s safety.

We got to his house and we got intimate, we were making out and having. However, shortly I felt too drunk to do anything and TOLD HIM that NOTHING will be happening between us. I was asleep in no time.

There is no weirder experience then some random stranger fucking you in your sleep. It makes me think what happened while I was sleeping? Was he kissing me? Touching me? Or did he just climbed on me and did it? I know one thing he did not even bother talking my underwear off, it was still down to my ankles.

Next thing, when I was enough awake to realise what was happening to me, I tried and I say I tried, because it wasn’t easy to push a massive human off me. This should not be that difficult. Dude, you should have been there in the first place. I said NO!

Because I was confused to what just happened, I did not want to think that it was what it was, because of the slut shaming culture in society I blamed myself for this. After all I was drunk, I went back to his and said no. I thought I was responsible for what happened, what I expected for going to strangers house. Who guys to guys house just for cuddles? Am I stupid or something? How could it be rape if I went to his house willingly?

So, next morning he took me to the bus station, I never saw him again. I don’t remember his name. I do not remember how he looks like, probably for the best.

I remember never telling anyone about this, because I was so confused was it rape or was it not. I kind of understood that it was but I still blamed myself for everything that happened. This happened in the winter time and I have not told anyone about it. I hid it deep deep in my head, to forget. I was so ashamed, so broken hearted I did not want to think and did not want to live through this again.

First time I mentioned it to someone was to my best friend L. I remember crying and being confused but it was amazing to get it out of my system, but once again after that I did not want to deal with what happened so I just hid it. Somewhere, in my head, deep deep under the surface so far away where it was hard to find it.

You know the first time I realised what really happened to me? It was a year ago! 6 years ago after the fact. After seeing a video where sexual consent described as something as simple as drinking tea and consent is very simple, simple as drinking tea. If you have not seen the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

After watching this video I realised it was not my fault! Yes, I put myself in dangerous situation, yes I was vulnerable. BUT I said NO and NO means NO! We slut shame girls, we blame them for putting themselves in dangerous situations and they deserve what they got. If you think like that! Shut up! You stupid! No one deserves to be raped you arsehole!

You know what we should be teaching? We should explain to people what consent is! We shouldn’t tell girls to dress less slutty and stop flirting. Instead, we should be teaching to keep it in their pants. We should stop saying that men have animalistic urges. Fuck you, we evolved enough not to act like cunts. NO IS NO it’s fucking simple like that.

I am six years behind and only now starting to understand what happened to me. Yesterday, when I started writing this blog I had to stop because I haven’t thought about all of what happened for so long. So many memories where compressed and when I started thinking about it all it started to surface. I felt sad and confused, was it self petty? Or just sadness of what happened?

I know that learning and understanding what happened to me will be a process. I know now that it’s not my fault. I know that human is an arsehole. No one deserves to be raped, sexually assaulted, groped etc. Sadly, it is more common than we think.

I want you to know this is my story and mine alone. Every persons experience is different and that’s ok and if you know that this ever happened to someone. Don’t judge them, don’t blame them. At the end of the day, no one deserves this.

Love and respect each other!

Love and peace!

Kelly, Lovett and Regan, A gap or a chasm? Attrition in reported rape cases, 2005

The New Direction

The New Direction

I left this blog alone for far too long, I got caught up in million other things. It felt like another project I have started but never let it move forward and get distracted by other things. It sounds like me, but it’s a bad habit I am trying to run away from.

Last week I posted a blog about what it is like to be twenty something year old bisexual on Tinder, which is something I wanted to talk about for a while and it felt really good to get it out of my system. Also, it was an important mile stone; it was first time I talked about being a bisexual openly where I knew that my family could see it.

On the other hand this post is not about that.

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This blog post is about the new direction I want this blog to take… Recently, my life got filled with bunch of amazing people that have touched my heart, and made me feel feelings that I have not felt for very long time and I want to embrace it.

This blog will no longer be about how I am trying to fall out of love with the Man Who Got Away (MWGA). I think I have successfully managed that.

MWGA is still a big part of my life; I don’t think I will ever stop caring about him. I will probably always have that ‘what if’ feeling somewhere deep inside. At the same time I don’t want this to change, because the person I am today is because I have met him and he brought so many amazing things and experiences into my life.

A few months ago, I was at his house doing something and he walked past me and hugged me or touched me and I just said to him: ‘’you still make my vagina tingle’’ in most normal everyday voice. I know that he and i  will always have a strange connection. Maybe the reasons for both of us are different but it doesn’t change the fact.

He is a big part of my life, big part of forming my views on sex, sexuality and gender norms. I will never be the same as I was a year and a half ago when I met him. I also know that he and I will never agree on politics. I know that I can be a massive dick to him, but I know that we always seem to overcome this and stay friends.I am forever grateful for that to him.

Furthermore, I am happy that when I was able to stop look at him as a sexual human being I am finally able to get to know him as a person, even though I know we are so different and never agree on anything. I would like him to know that it’s amazing to get to know him as a human being and it’s amazing to care about him passed the sexual tension..

The new direction

This blog will now be about me and my journey. I will document the journey of self-discovery via learning about me, sexuality, people, politics, art and other things that always been close to my heart.

It will no longer be about me trying to please other people or trying to live other people lives. It will be about me and what I actually like and what I actually enjoy.

Also, at the beginning someone used to proof read my blogs, but I think it’s not fair for me to keep asking people to do this for me and that why I struggled to post regularly. So, I will be doing this all by myself. Which, I imagine will make a lot of mistakes.  If you see them and they bother you please let me know! It’s the only way I can learn, so any comments and feedback will be appreciated.

Current Mood

What is it like to be twenty something bisexual

What is it like to be twenty something bisexual

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I am bisexual and I am also on Tinder.

As a bisexual woman I face a lot of interesting reactions from people when they find out about my sexuality. I should start with:  I came with terms of my sexuality at the age of 22, when I went to Human Rights Training in Iceland. I knew always that I was attracted to girls, I have kissed a girl before and I liked it. I also had sex with a girl.

But then I met this wonderful man and was in the relationship with him for two and a half years until a year ago, during that period I did not count myself as a bisexual because I was in the relationship with a boy. To be honest I never understood the idea of bisexuality, because at the end of the day I thought you choose to be with one or the other gender. So how can I be bisexual?

It’s worrying that there is such limited education about sexual orientation, that I could not understand my own sexual orientation until I was 22.

In my head bisexuality could only work if you were having threesomes. That view has changed when I went to Iceland to Human Rights Training, where I met a girl and actually saw myself being in the relationship with.

So after I broke up with my boyfriend and as most twenty something women would do I went on Tinder. I am very open about my sexuality with my friends, most of them know about it now. Few family members might be aware of my sexual orientation, but most of them do not know. On Tinder I decided to be open about my sexuality because I felt that if people have problems with my sexual orientation they would not match with me. I did not think I will have completely opposite reaction.

I didn’t realise how misinformed society is about bisexuality and how bisexual women are sexualised, I am constantly contacted by people who will ask if I am bisexual and I would say yes. The next question would be either offer of a threesome or question if I ever had threesome. So at this point, instead of looking for a person on Tinder I am busy educating people about bisexuality, that not necessarily if I am bisexual I am into threesomes. Also I get called greedy a lot.

Before I came out as bisexual to myself or other people for that matter, I had a bisexual friend and she used to tell me about these things and I wouldn’t believe her. But it is. You are subject of harassment by these uneducated people.

They have misshaped image of bisexuality, part of it is because of porn. Where they don’t care what it is like and they project these images on to you. By now I have been called greedy, that I can’t decide. I also heard comments from my homosexual friends that I am confused or not ready to come out.

How am I greedy?? If I date one person at the time, if I am not into threesomes and I don’t want a threesome right now. Maybe one day, but I am not interested in this right now.

bisexual

Threesome porn- yes please. Actual threesomes- not so much.

There is a lack of education about bisexuality. First of all, bisexuality need to be made more visible. Second of all, there should be more education about sexuality and that there are more than two sexual orientations. Third of all, if someone comes out as bisexual to you, they might want a threesome, but that is not the reason why they count themselves as bisexual. Fourth of all, if someone comes out as a bisexual they are not confused, nor are they greedy, they just happened to like both genders. We have to stop brushing bisexual people under the carpet just because some people do not understand what it is like to be bisexual or thinks that it is not possible. yes_im_bisexual.-162561

Be kind, accept and love!

P.s. if there are errors in this post please do not hesitate to contact me. English is my second language after all.

How NOT TO ACT on the date

How NOT TO ACT on the date

Since I am insane, and single, I am obviously on Tinder. Tinder might be a single girl’s easy way to date, but it is also, sometimes, very much hard work.  I do have many funny Tinder stories, and a few one night stands under my belt but this story is not about that.

I met this boy on Tinder. Let’s call him Navy Boy 2.0 (Yes, there is a Navy Boy 1.0, more about him some other time). On the first date, we met at the local bar and had some drinks, when I say some drinks I must have had one and a half bottles of wine, a few rums and cokes and possibly gin and tonic. Even though, I think I am hard core and can drink a lot-in fact, I can’t. So, after a few drinks and several bars, I decided it was a good idea to take this boy home (as you do).

The tricky part is, I live with my mum and her room is next to mine. It is tricky to stumble to my house without her knowing I am drunk. It is even trickier to bring a man home, since you told her you went on the first date. So, I didn’t really want my mum to know I brought this random stranger home. Instead, my amazingly smart drunk brain came up with an idea that I will tell my mother I was bringing The Ex-Boyfriend home with me (what? why? wtf were you thinking?).

Since, I am a bloody good liar my mum thinks: 1. I am a whore (she actually used that term), 2. She thinks my Ex-Boyfriend and I might end up together again (which is not true), 3. I am so glad she is not so good with accents because instead of My middle class Ex-Boyfriend in my bed I had a cute Scottish man.

My second date (yes, there was a second date), I got pissed night before with My Ex-Boyfriend and told him I went home, but in fact I got in a taxi and went to my friend’s house and had lesbian encounters with her. So the next day, very hangover and puffy because of course apart from lezzing off with my friend I managed to cry a lot about The Man That Got Away. In actual fact, I spend a lot of time crying while drunk about him.

So, two hours late, I turned up at my date, not really in the mood. However, there is nothing that hair of the dog won’t fix. Navy Boy 2.0 is actually a very sweet guy. He is so sweet, very kind and soft. Like a teddy bear. And I think that is why in the beginning I was attracted to him. So, the second date was really good. We talked, he invited me to go to Scotland (!!!!). The date ended with him dropping me home.

After my second date I got talking to My Ex and told him I got the feeling that Navy Boy 2.0 was going too quickly and I was not ready for a relationship. I am not sure if you can be in the relationship while you in love with someone else. My Ex told to talk to him about what was going on and how I felt and to make sure he knows I am not ready for the serious exclusive relationship.

So I did, on the 3rd date I told him how I felt. He actually seemed cool about it. So we had drinks and I suggested to going local, because it’s close to my house. So off we went.

What a bad fucking idea! There is this Welsh Fishmonger (really he owns a couple of fish restaurants but hey) I would like to fuck, I met him at my local pub some time ago. He is part of the furniture there I think.  But because it was Monday I hoped he wouldn’t be there. But of course he was there, because he is part of furniture there. On the other hand, my ex wasn’t surprised.

As we arrived at the pub I went and talked to the Fishmonger for a bit while Navy Boy 2.0 got us drinks. During this conversation I told the Fishmonger I was on date. The Fishmonger invited us to sit with him at the table.

At the table there were few other friends of Fishmonger and few ridiculously young looking girls. If not for their university hoodies I would have thought they were under age. Well, I hope they were above the legal age!!!

I think it is important to mention a fact that earlier during our date Navy Boy 2.0 and I talked about our experiences and Navy Boy 2.0 told me that he could not date a young girl and for him 19 was very young. Navy Boy 2.0 found it inappropriate that these 30+ year old men were sitting with these 18+ girls. Plus Navy Boy 2.0 also did not like that I was talking to another man, because during our first chat with the Fishmonger I realised that my desire for my date was gone and my date was gone too. So, as a good date that I was I went and found him smoking outside.

While we were smoking Navy Boy 2.0 became more tactile, I assume because I was kind of flirting with this other man. When we came inside situation haven’t changed and I carried on talking to Fishmonger and Navy Boy 2.0 became even more tactile, pulling me towards him.

At some point during this night we staked all our phones together and whoever was to take their phones first was buying a round. The Fishmonger managed to knock the tower of phones down and Navy Boy 2.0 tried to prove to Fishmonger that it was his round to buy. As I watched them argue they looked like a five year old children trying to prove something. I think Navy Boy 2.0 at that point tried to prove his manhood. I’ll give this to him he got us a free round.

On the other hand, five minutes after I was standing outside with a Fishmonger trying to arrange sex… and the Fishmonger was saying that he could knock my date out cold with a sardine…

So here it is boys and girls the THING you should not do on the date: DO NOT TRY TO ARRANGE SEX WITH A FISHMONGER (OR ANY OTHER MAN OR WOMEN) WHILE ON THE DATE WITH ANOTHER MAN.  THIS NOT WHAT YOU DO!!! BAD ME!

We all went our different ways after a quite hilarious evening (I was drunk and the evening probably wasn’t that funny. At least my Ex didn’t think so when I rang him at 2am in the morning to relate every detail). I managed to get Navy Boy 2.0 in the taxi with some drama and I thought there was not going to be a 4th date. My Ex on the other, hand told me not to worry and that he will message me and he did few hours later apologising.

The message read:

Hey literally just woke up and remembered being a bit of an arse leaving your place my bad! Feel like a bit of a cunt had one too many wines. Anyway, my bad and thanks for putting me in the taxi. Sorry for being a knob at the end.

I messaged him back and said that I didn’t think there will be a 4th date.

First of all, clearly I wasn’t into the man as much as I thought; 2. He was too gentle (literally); 3. When I went off to chat to the Fishmonger and other people that were there, he was so protective and kept pulling me towards him. I didn’t like that too much. If I am drunk I like doing my own thing and if you a man that can control me- you will.  You won’t need to physically hold me and kiss me to prove I am yours. I will behave. With Navy Boy 2.0 that wasn’t the case.

I still think, I acted as a bitch and should have not done that. On the other hand, it proves I wasn’t into the man that much.

Here it is, kids, if you are on the date please do not try to arrange sex with someone else while having a smoke outside.

Crying: 3 minutes
Attempts to contact him: 0, I emailed the link to this blog but I don’t count this as contact
Self medication with alcohol: 0
Love status: still in love

I think I should add a line how many time a day I think about him or how many times I want to share with him what is going on in my life.

I also got Instagram now: insaneandsingle and will share my updates on there too.

This blog was not planned just something that happened and I wanted to share, and I thought it was quite funny.

I promise to share the rest of the story about me and The Man That Got Away.

Toodles Bitches!

Current mood!

P.S. Today is a week since we haven’t had any contact… It is hard. I miss you and it is hard not talking to you baby…

 

Aside

The man that got away

I was never particularly stable. People close to me will tell you that.  I am too emotional and complicated, I love drama. I self-medicate and surround myself with people. People that a lot of the times I don’t even particularly like, but I love living their lives. I can judge them and bitch about them. I am mean I know, or maybe I have too much spare time.

I do on the other hand have few people in my life that I like. My best friend since I was little who is in my country, My Gay Boyfriend, My Gay Ballerina, My Gay Husband, My Ex-Boyfriend and The Man That Got Away. Most of them are back in my home country and I don’t get bored of them.  I actually maintain friendships with them.

I am writing this blog for two reasons 1. I need to keep practising my written English and 2. Today I let The Man That Got Away go, because I fell for him. So this blog will be my diary of how I will try to fall out of love and maybe, one day, have a normal dating life.

So now I should probably tell you the story of how I fucked up.

My Ex-Boyfriend was once my boyfriend. I have never loved someone so much. He was, and still is the smartest, kindest and most argumentative son of a bitch. We had a beautiful relationship for 2 years. The last 6 months were not so good. I didn’t know if I had feelings for him anymore. I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him. I took me 6 months to break with him.

During those last 6 months I met The Man That Got Away…. The first time I met him I thought he was gay, and high. And when I asked him what was he on he told me LIFE. Later I realised he wasn’t in fact gay, but he was, and still is the kinkiest mother fucker I know.

To my defence I didn’t realise I had feelings for him or denied the feelings and tried to maintain the friendship.

Over the 10 months I knew him I not only fell in love with a man but also learned a few things about BDSM, fetish and sexuality in general. 10 months ago I was shy and didn’t understand the idea of BDSM. Now I have changed my views completely, having vanilla sex is no longer fun. I am not saying I turned into this great lady in bed, I probably would not do half of the things out there. I am still quite shy and want men to take charge. But I want men who can take CHARGE. 10 months ago I would never thought of spanking but now I am actually quite into it (The Man Who Got Away before I left said that if he had his way right now I would not be sitting while writing this).

My view on sexuality, sex and fetishes has changed a lot as well. I have pushed my boundaries and understanding of what it means and what it is. Which is great. He also it made realise how shit I am in walking in heels, and how much better he is, and I hate him for that!

Today is the first day of my falling out of love journey. I don’t know of often I going to write. I am not sure about the content. It’s going to be journey of me trying to find myself and discover my feelings. I will try dating and sleep with pretty men.

I also will try to find me and learn to love myself.

Today me and The Man That Got Away agreed that we won’t  see each other until my birthday, in march. Right now the decision of cutting him out is so hard, because I want to share this with him. He was always telling me that I need to find myself first.I know he would be so proud of me making this decision.

Right now is the 6th of December 2015 22:18

Crying: 0 minutes
attempts to contact him: 0
self medication with alcohol: 0
loves status: still in love