How did I end up paying money to suck a dick

How did I end up paying money to suck a dick

Payments not always come in the shape of pounds or dollars. But I bet you never paid money to suck a dick. Well, kids, I have! I went to a guys house started sucking his dick and he told me to go home. Return taxi and a bottle of wine, that’s how much I paid to suck a dick. Yes a dick was decent size but still not worth paying money for it. Although now I see it as best spend 16 pounds in my life because I have learned something.

I am one of those girls who don’t think that men should pay for everything. I am more than happy to call myself a taxi and buy my own drinks especially when I know I will get a orgasm out of it, but if you don’t perform and kick me out ,you piece of shit, at least have the fucking decency to call me a cab, you fucking moron.

I have met all sort of men in my life but never met such self cantered piece of shit that only cares about his problems and so happens that every girl he had ‘treated him badly’. I bet you’ll use this story that I wrote a blog about you to gain sympathy from girls.

I should have realised how big of piece of shit you were when you were engaged with three girls and they all happened to treat you badly, all the women keep calling you and you call them bitches. My mama once told me: ‘I respect your father for the fact that he never spoke badly about his exes so I was sure that he would not talk about me badly when we have divorced.’

You know you never had to treat me like shit or promise to date me because I was happy to sit on your penis anyway. Hey, I have a weakness for big penises. But see you get off on control and paying mind games, where I don’t need them. I am self aware and own my shit kind of girl (some of my friends will disagree, but they have seen me drunk after all), but I own my sexuality I am not afraid to get what I want.

I cant believe you thought I would make you dinner when you come over to stay at mine. I cant believe you stayed at mine. You only had sex with me once!!! WTF? You are my bf now or something?  what else did you expect I would do? Wash your socks? Do your laundry? Do you realise that you were just tall dick with no personality. Everything about you annoyed me, you are disrespectful to women, you are a liar. You lied to me from the beginning: you told me you weren’t in the navy, you told me you wanted to date me and then just messed with me, and this time you told me that your friend got into a fight and I had to leave after I just started to suck your dick.

You know how I see this situation and I am probably right: you invited me over as part of kinky foreplay for you and your sub or some other chick you fucking. You disrespected me so much that you were ‘’messaging’’ whilst I was blowing you. When I stopped you have told me: no you can carry on I don’t mind. Seriously? Have you met me? Everything in life is about me! I wont allow anyone to not pay attention whilst I suck your dick!

Another thing, lets be honest, that you have had your phone in your hand because you wanted to film me sucking your dick and send it to someone. 1. You know that I don’t want that; 2. Did you know it is illegal to do so?; 3. Once again you twisted piece of shit.

The only thing I regret is that I showed emotion that night, but if I have sex in mind and I don’t get it I am like a child I have a tantrum. I was so nice to you that evening but what I really wanted to say and I am not being vindictive right now. But I wanted to say that you’re lying sun of the bitch and I have such low opinion of you and delete my number and never contact me. But I don’t make  snap decisions I usually try to sleep on it.

Also, I only agreed to date you because I wanted to ensure I would still be able to sit on your dick. When I told my friends that I agreed to date you everyone laughed and I asked if I liked you. No I didn’t, you are boring, nationalist, have shit tattoos, not particularly good looking, apart from the dick you have nothing to offer. Well, after the break up you would call me a bitch. My bff said it well: you sit on the dick, you don’t date the dick.

So yes, I paid money to suck a dick but its probably the best 17 pounds I have ever spend. You have taught me so much and I am so thankful to you, you made me write a blog I have not written for a very long time, and for a long long long time you gonna be a party story I tell to people and we laugh about it.


See you later bitch! 😉

Dear Man That Got Away,

Dear Man That Got Away,

Dear Man That Got Away,

Today I looked back and looked at the pictures of you. The first time honestly felt nothing. No anger, no love and no sense of betrayal. You know why? Because I really don’t feel that any of whatever I thought we had, Dear Charles (Fuck it I gonna use your name), was real.

I was your toy (I have that song in my head now :D), a toy that you used to play your kinky games with. Its fine.. Although next time, maybe tell the other person what you are doing. Its kind of shitty…

Although, I do understand that, dear boy, you are psychopath and that’s ok. You were not ok. Well, you are still not ok. But thank you! Thank you, dear boy, for teaching me so much, for letting me discover myself. Coz, even though you broke me, dear boy, I learned so much about myself and about you.

I am letting you go now, but I know I will always look back at the windows of what used to be your house or still is your house, but I no longer look through in the crowd of people and hope to see you.

I don’t want to see you anymore, dear boy, good bye and farewell. It was a good journey <3. I shall look for someone else to fixate on!


The Man That Got Away… Now really got away

The Man That Got Away… Now really got away

You remember The Man That Got Away? He was the reason I have started this whole blog. Now he really got away…

During the summer his girlfriend who works as a teacher came down here, so me and TMTGA didn’t see each other. Even though I did not have feelings for him, but making her real would make me uncomfortable. First, it would make her real and second I would realise that everything we have done was kind of borderline cheating and he knew about me not wanting to meet her.

During the summer, I saw him at the bar with his girl and some other dude. I could not go and say hello because it made uncomfortable. So, I waited till he was in the bar without her and went to say hello. Who would have thought that would be the last time I would see him.

Eventually, my messages where read but not responded to and eventually I was blocked. My number, my whatsapp I assume my email as well. The embarrassing part how long it took me to realise that he blocked me… the fact that I was worried about him, that his phone was off.

Right now I feel calm, but recently I wasn’t. so, I wrote this and it pretty much explains it all:


You broke my heart, you broke me. Today is the Halloween weekend… and I can’t stop thinking about you . You know why? Because I know where you are… Torture Gardens… Torture Gardens in London…

It’s weird. you broke me. You broke me twice! First time, it was kind of my fault with your help. You broke my heart, you could not give me what I wanted. So, I fell out of love with you…

But now you broke me… you broke me… The Man That Got Away, you little fucker, you broke me, you betrayed me…

You blocked me out of your life… without even having the balls to tell me. Just blocked my phone number.

I looked through our conversations and you once promised that you will never replace me… what have you done???

Maybe you didn’t replace me but sure did cut me out of your life and cut a hole in my heart.

I miss so much at the same time I wanna punch you in a face.

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

So, this happened few weeks ago, when I was very emotional. There are still things in my life when I feel, or think of something I wanna share, but I can’t. eventually, I gonna be fine. I will move on new people will come into my life. But… right now it hurts.

P.s. just to entertain everyone. I did google: how to ring someone who blocked me. Google suggested to consider before contacting this person because there might be a reason they have blocked you.

I did consider, then hid my number. and rang him.  First time, I dropped it before he answered and second time I waited till he answered… AND HANG UP.

If you want to send me a stalker award plaque let me know! 😉

My rape story

My rape story

This is not a happiest blog I will ever right, but this it is reality. This is what happened to me and happens to so many women in the world. My heart is beating fast and I have tear in my eyes. Even though, this happened to me 7 years ago.

Sexual assault is a sexual act in which person is forced to engage against their will. It comes in various forms according to The Crown Prosecution Service:

  1. Rape according to World Health Organisation is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration without the persons consent.
  2. Groping
  3. Forced kissing
  4. Child sexual abuse
  5. Sexual torture

According to Rape Crisis organisation  approximately 85,000 women and 12,000 men are raped in England and Wales alone every year; that’s roughly 11 rapes (of adults alone) every hour and only around 15% get reported to the police. According to Kelly, Lovett and Regan (2005) only 5.7% of reported rape cases end with conviction of perpetrator.

And this is my story:

I was visiting my friend in Wales back in 2009-2010, I was 17 pretty sure I wasn’t 18 yet because I was scared going out since I didn’t have an I.D. I want you to understand I did a lot of stupid shit that night to put myself in dangerous situations but no one deserves this to happen to them.

So I and my friend went out to this local pub for a few drinks. There was this good looking bouncer there we got talking. I had a few drinks and was quite tipsy and trusting young girl. I and my friend were having a great night; we were dancing and having so much fun. We were there until the pub closed and we gone to another pub for few more drinks, where the bouncer of the other pub came down. We were drinking, dancing and he offered to go back to his.

I did it, I found him attractive and I wanted to be with him, I found his company interesting. We had to drive to another village but he promised to my friend he will take me back. I felt safe. After all he worked as a bouncer, someone who is there to ensure someone’s safety.

We got to his house and we got intimate, we were making out and having. However, shortly I felt too drunk to do anything and TOLD HIM that NOTHING will be happening between us. I was asleep in no time.

There is no weirder experience then some random stranger fucking you in your sleep. It makes me think what happened while I was sleeping? Was he kissing me? Touching me? Or did he just climbed on me and did it? I know one thing he did not even bother talking my underwear off, it was still down to my ankles.

Next thing, when I was enough awake to realise what was happening to me, I tried and I say I tried, because it wasn’t easy to push a massive human off me. This should not be that difficult. Dude, you should have been there in the first place. I said NO!

Because I was confused to what just happened, I did not want to think that it was what it was, because of the slut shaming culture in society I blamed myself for this. After all I was drunk, I went back to his and said no. I thought I was responsible for what happened, what I expected for going to strangers house. Who guys to guys house just for cuddles? Am I stupid or something? How could it be rape if I went to his house willingly?

So, next morning he took me to the bus station, I never saw him again. I don’t remember his name. I do not remember how he looks like, probably for the best.

I remember never telling anyone about this, because I was so confused was it rape or was it not. I kind of understood that it was but I still blamed myself for everything that happened. This happened in the winter time and I have not told anyone about it. I hid it deep deep in my head, to forget. I was so ashamed, so broken hearted I did not want to think and did not want to live through this again.

First time I mentioned it to someone was to my best friend L. I remember crying and being confused but it was amazing to get it out of my system, but once again after that I did not want to deal with what happened so I just hid it. Somewhere, in my head, deep deep under the surface so far away where it was hard to find it.

You know the first time I realised what really happened to me? It was a year ago! 6 years ago after the fact. After seeing a video where sexual consent described as something as simple as drinking tea and consent is very simple, simple as drinking tea. If you have not seen the video:

After watching this video I realised it was not my fault! Yes, I put myself in dangerous situation, yes I was vulnerable. BUT I said NO and NO means NO! We slut shame girls, we blame them for putting themselves in dangerous situations and they deserve what they got. If you think like that! Shut up! You stupid! No one deserves to be raped you arsehole!

You know what we should be teaching? We should explain to people what consent is! We shouldn’t tell girls to dress less slutty and stop flirting. Instead, we should be teaching to keep it in their pants. We should stop saying that men have animalistic urges. Fuck you, we evolved enough not to act like cunts. NO IS NO it’s fucking simple like that.

I am six years behind and only now starting to understand what happened to me. Yesterday, when I started writing this blog I had to stop because I haven’t thought about all of what happened for so long. So many memories where compressed and when I started thinking about it all it started to surface. I felt sad and confused, was it self petty? Or just sadness of what happened?

I know that learning and understanding what happened to me will be a process. I know now that it’s not my fault. I know that human is an arsehole. No one deserves to be raped, sexually assaulted, groped etc. Sadly, it is more common than we think.

I want you to know this is my story and mine alone. Every persons experience is different and that’s ok and if you know that this ever happened to someone. Don’t judge them, don’t blame them. At the end of the day, no one deserves this.

Love and respect each other!

Love and peace!

Kelly, Lovett and Regan, A gap or a chasm? Attrition in reported rape cases, 2005

Emotional FuckBoys

Emotional FuckBoys

I and my friend K where talking about men, who are present in our lives but it, feels that they are there just to mess with our heads. I and K seem to have at least one of those people in our lives. We spent about half hour discussing it before I had to leave to get my hair done. On my way to the bus stop I thought of a phrase: emotional fuckboys.

Google search for emotional fuckboys did not show any definitions, but according to Urban Dictionary there are several definitions of fuckboys. Let’s begin:

  1. Fuck boy- A person who is a weak ass pussy
    that ain’t bout shit.
  2. fuckboys come in all shapes and sizes and results may vary but when he a fuckboy…he a fuckboy…and u will know
  3. A manipulating dick who does whatever it takes to benefit him, regardless of who he screws over. They will screw over anyone and everyone as long they get what they want.
  4. A Fuckboy is the type of guy who does shit that generally pisses the population of the earth off all the time. He will also lead girls on just for hookups, says hes really into you but doesn’t want to deal with all the “relationship bullshit” just to fuck you. He thinks about himself and only himself all the time but pretends to be really nice. He also does really fucked up shit and then complains about people who do the same old shit as him. once a fuckboy always a fuckboy, because fuck boys ganna be fuckboys.

There are even more available definitions on the website of the term fuck boy. So, if you fancy checking it out further please visit:

So, to conclude we could say that ‘emotional fuckboy’ is an individual who generally seems nice, they are friendly and able to talk nice but they will screw anyone and everyone over just to get what they want and more than likely they just think about themselves. Different to fuckboys you probably never had sex with them or had it once or twice but they still show up in your life to mess with your head further.

I got two of those in my life!

Emotional fuckboy no1 A.K.A Fishmonger- I have met him nearly two years ago and always had a strange attraction towards him. He wasn’t good lucking but was good with people and able to charm everyone including me. Also, since I am a massive accent whore it helped because he had a welsh accent.

I didn’t make a move on him because at the time I had a boyfriend, I used to see him around because our city is not the biggest and we used to end up drinking in the same places. Also, later he opened his own restaurant on one of the busiest streets in our town.

By the time he opened his restaurant me and my bf where done, so I could enjoy presence of other men and also was able to hit on Fuckboy no1. I kind of did and we agreed to go for a drink, that weekend he was away in wales and we meant to meet up following week.

That never happened because I got a bit drunk, little bit intense and it became awkward.  I still saw him around a lot and got mocked for my behaviour. I became regular drunk dialer. I am not proud of it but didn’t care much about it anyway because I knew he could not think worse of me.

Anyway, few months ago I found out all the truth about this man who even though I drunk dialled but I actually thought very highly about, as a business owner I thought he was doing great and his ideas where amazing. Food I thought was awesome… but sadly he wasn’t that at all. It really crushed me and I was super emotional about it. It broke my heart, someone who I also admired was a complete scam.

After everything that happened, I promised myself never to sleep with or not to drunk dial him. This was quite easy at that time because I made a bet not to drink for two weeks.

At the same time while I wasn’t drinking his business was slowly dying and at 1.30 am on the Saturday morning I received a message on fb from him asking if I was ok because he hasn’t received early hour phone calls.

I responded telling about me not drinking and asking wtf does he want from me. He explained that he did not want anything and he was just curious about how I was etc. eventually, he started talking about sex and that we could have a kinky night in. It followed by him telling me he enjoyed other people being involved and ropes.

The conversation ended, but the messing with my head just started. So, on the Sunday I got drunk because our drinking ban was lifted. I managed to drunk dial him few times. However, he was constantly at the back of my mind everything that happened with truth coming out about him, it mixed with my daddy issues and trying to fix him. So, by Tuesday it got so much that I saw my friend K and I was like Guuuurl we need to get drunk and oh boy I did!


13 missed calls, 1 message: WHY DON’T YOU JUST LOVE ME!

I don’t remember this, but I did it. I can’t blame him, I clearly have no impulse control, and I have more issues than vogue. BUT at the same time if your life is going is going sideways and shit is about to hit the fan, dude, do not try to gain control by using a venerable young women who you know has issues to practice control…

Yes, it had your desired effect on me and you used me. Congratulations! At the same time, my life can only get better and I will learn from my mistakes and you forever will be scamming arsehole!

Emotional Fuck boy 2.0

He is someone I met through Fuck boy 1.0, which I can only assume they come in packs. We met at the restaurant during a bonfire night and I asked for his number because he seemed as an interesting human being.

I got his number he tried to kiss and then added me on fb. Messaged me some weird stuff few times and I decided to unfriend him on facebook. I even forgot about him.

Several months after I received facebook message asking how I was and I decided to ignore it. Later I saw him on tinder and decided to give it a go. So, we matched, we talked and he was an interesting human being, therefore we went for a drink. We also managed to have sex. I found out that he disappeared from my life because he was seeing someone at the time but now it was over.

At that point I really liked him and I saw and felt that because he was older, mature, had kids and a dog that this could lead to something. We carried on talking after we had sex he was busy all weekend and I was out and about that weekend. What happened was we run in the same restaurant on the Sunday where I was very hangover, slightly drunk. He was polite to me there but later I told him I had taken drugs so that kind of change the situation.

Every time I agreed to make plans with him he would cancel. It’s either work or he had a drink or he could not pick me up etc. I am simple girl so I got a taxi.

When I got there he was drinking red wine before then he had cider and he became emotionally abusive to me saying that I am messing with his life, that his boys should not see this, that if his wife who he is divorcing would know about us would not let see the boys.

I understand that, that weekend was messy I was drunk for two days, I took drugs, but it doesn’t define me as a human being and who the fuck are you to judge me like that when you have made fair share of mistakes in your life.

After that, he started ignoring my messages, my phone calls, my facebook messages. I was slightly sad, because even though we did not work out I still saw him as this amazing human being, he was intresting and funny. I wanted to stay friends.

Few months have passed and what happens I receive a facebook message from him telling me that he misses my drunken nonsense.


We start talking again and I am always willing to give people a second chance but he comes back every time into my life when he has issues and want to make he feel better about himself. This behaviour has to stop. Yes, I care about people but I also have feelings you can’t come back to my life when it’s comfortable and mess with my head.


These emotional fuckboys are probably in your everyday life. People you want to be with or were with, someone you care about but they seem to want you or need you when it is comfortable for them.

You need to realise it and if it is unhealthy to you RUN the fuck away from them. Block them, cut them out and put yourself around amazing people that care about you.

To my inspiration…

To my inspiration…

Have you ever been in love? Do you remember you first love? First boyfriend? First break up? Have you ever had a crush? Did you ever have feelings for someone but they didn’t respond to them in the same way?

I’ve spent most of my teen years like that. ‘’Loving’’ bad boys without them responding to my feelings. Feeling like this most of my teenage years was part of my ‘’suffering artistic teenager’’ vibe. That lasted until I was about 20.

Interestingly, every ‘’love’’ I had for the people that never responded back to my feelings where to ‘’the bad boys’’ that did not deserve me. Which, now when I look back, I feel thankful to God, universe or those people for not loving me and saving me from making my biggest mistakes in my life….

But first time in my life I met this beautiful human being. That I used to think I just wanted to fuck, but when I got to know him little bit better I realised would like to get to know him better inside and out. I can’t stop thinking about him, I have dreams with him in it and when I wake up I get sad, because I know that wasn’t real…

You know when I know I like a boy? When I am drunk and manage not to drunk dial him, because I care what he is going think about me.

The thing is, even if he liked me back, from what I know about him we would not work. Our view on relationships is so different we would not be able to compromise. Him not having feelings for me I know is universe, God or whatever way to save me from being hurt.

BUT for the first time in my life in my life I wanna be with the wrong person. I wanna touch his hair, I wanna hear his voice, I wanna drink rum, whiskey, wine or neat vodka with him and talk about life, art, sex, and social issues, I want his body against mine, I want to be pushed against the wall, I wanna see him happy, angry, sleepy, I want to wake up next to him.

And I want when our needs and wants separate and we can’t no longer work I want to be broken hearted, I want my heart to bleed, I want to argue and cry together. I want for us to have angry sex. And break up sex and make up sex. I FUCKING WANT YOU IN MY LIFE.


I wrote this a month ago. A lot has changed, I still like this human being but as it was clear he is not that into me. I have been friendzoned and its cool! Because, I still get most of the best parts of the relationship endless cuddles, kisses and I love you’s.

On the other hand, he is one of those people that it’s not going to sugar coat and it will make you feel uncomfortable. He has a lot traits that I think would drive me mad… BUT at the same time, sometimes when we talk I look at him doing something and I see him and it makes my heart skip a beat because he is amazing.

On other hand, when you take that all away. He is a bit of a dick and I can see why universe is saving me and I can see why I am attracted to him! 🙂

At the end of the day, I am glad I got you in my life Teddy Brat! Thank you for being my inspiration! You are wonderful! (When you are not an arsehole <3.)

Peace and Love!

The New Direction

The New Direction

I left this blog alone for far too long, I got caught up in million other things. It felt like another project I have started but never let it move forward and get distracted by other things. It sounds like me, but it’s a bad habit I am trying to run away from.

Last week I posted a blog about what it is like to be twenty something year old bisexual on Tinder, which is something I wanted to talk about for a while and it felt really good to get it out of my system. Also, it was an important mile stone; it was first time I talked about being a bisexual openly where I knew that my family could see it.

On the other hand this post is not about that.


This blog post is about the new direction I want this blog to take… Recently, my life got filled with bunch of amazing people that have touched my heart, and made me feel feelings that I have not felt for very long time and I want to embrace it.

This blog will no longer be about how I am trying to fall out of love with the Man Who Got Away (MWGA). I think I have successfully managed that.

MWGA is still a big part of my life; I don’t think I will ever stop caring about him. I will probably always have that ‘what if’ feeling somewhere deep inside. At the same time I don’t want this to change, because the person I am today is because I have met him and he brought so many amazing things and experiences into my life.

A few months ago, I was at his house doing something and he walked past me and hugged me or touched me and I just said to him: ‘’you still make my vagina tingle’’ in most normal everyday voice. I know that he and i  will always have a strange connection. Maybe the reasons for both of us are different but it doesn’t change the fact.

He is a big part of my life, big part of forming my views on sex, sexuality and gender norms. I will never be the same as I was a year and a half ago when I met him. I also know that he and I will never agree on politics. I know that I can be a massive dick to him, but I know that we always seem to overcome this and stay friends.I am forever grateful for that to him.

Furthermore, I am happy that when I was able to stop look at him as a sexual human being I am finally able to get to know him as a person, even though I know we are so different and never agree on anything. I would like him to know that it’s amazing to get to know him as a human being and it’s amazing to care about him passed the sexual tension..

The new direction

This blog will now be about me and my journey. I will document the journey of self-discovery via learning about me, sexuality, people, politics, art and other things that always been close to my heart.

It will no longer be about me trying to please other people or trying to live other people lives. It will be about me and what I actually like and what I actually enjoy.

Also, at the beginning someone used to proof read my blogs, but I think it’s not fair for me to keep asking people to do this for me and that why I struggled to post regularly. So, I will be doing this all by myself. Which, I imagine will make a lot of mistakes.  If you see them and they bother you please let me know! It’s the only way I can learn, so any comments and feedback will be appreciated.

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